


Make It Right

by quinship



Category: Tegan and Sara (Band)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-27
Updated: 2017-12-27
Packaged: 2019-02-22 11:32:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,710
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13166046
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quinship/pseuds/quinship
Summary: While Tegan can't bring herself to admit why she sleeps with Sara, all she wants is for her twin to stay.





	Make It Right

"I have to make sure I have everything,” Sara whispered in Tegan’s ear. Her breath tickled slightly; raising goosebumps, but it was pleasant, especially with the way Sara held Tegan against her chest. Sara’s naked skin felt so soft and smooth against Tegan’s. She’d miss that feeling.

“No, stay.” Tegan pleaded. “Don’t go yet.” They were nice and cozy in Tegan’s bed together, the right amount of covers. The window was ajar as to allow a little bit of fresh air, and give them a sliver of the world outside of the apartment building. The sound of cars and people’s faint voices was almost comforting, like walking on carpet barefoot as opposed to cold tile. Dim evening light of a sunset just past illuminated the room just enough for them to be able to see, though due to the fact that they were spooning, they couldn’t see each other’s faces. They had never spoken to each other during or post coitus previously to this, but Tegan didn’t realize that until later; she just wanted Sara to stay.

“I don’t want to be rushing around, scrambling to try to get everything together right before I leave.” Sara kissed the back of Tegan’s neck as though to make up for needing to leave the bed. They had only just caught their breaths after having sex, but Sara apparently already wanted to go onto the next thing.

“You allowed for plenty of time to make sure you have everything,” Tegan whispered. “Don’t leave me yet. We still have time… Please be here, with me…” She wanted to savor this last time together before Sara left. Sure… they might be able to visit each other after Sara left… There would be phone calls… But why would Sara not want to savor the moment?

"Five more minutes, and then I’m going to go make sure I haven’t left anything lying around.” Sara offered as a compromise.

“An hour.”

“You’re just trying to get me to fall asleep with you,” Sara observed. “Come on, Tegan. Five minutes. I’ll come back, I promise.” Sara took Tegan’s pinkie with her own, leaving a gentle kiss on Tegan’s neck.

“Tonight, maybe…” Tegan muttered right as Sara moved to get out of bed.

“Hey… Hey. Don’t think like that.” Sara halted her attempt to let go of Tegan. “I thought we both understood…”

“I understand that you’re moving away and leaving me,” Tegan muttered bitterly.

“I’ve been planning this move for months. We’ve only been whatever this is for what? A week and a half? I already have my life in Quebec all set up. You know this. I can’t just change my plans right before I’m supposed to follow through.” Sara reminded her, sounding surprised at Tegan’s reaction. This was understandable, as Tegan hadn’t previously mentioned her desire for Sara to stay after Sara had initially told Tegan of her plans to move.

“Take a risk… For me. Please?” Tegan didn’t dare roll over to look into Sara’s face.

“Leaving _is_ the risk. Nothing you say is going to change the fact that I’m going through with the move.”

With that, Tegan fell silent, realizing that there was nothing that she could do convince Sara to stay. Sara had been stubborn all of her life, and if she wouldn’t admit that there was room for negotiation with the small amount of pressure Tegan had applied, they wouldn’t find any sort of compromise without a screaming match. In her heart, Tegan doubted that Sara would budge because it simply wasn’t reasonable for her to. All that was left for Sara to do was to move herself and remaining suitcases to her apartment in Montreal.

Sara hadn’t told anyone that she was going to move across the country until after she’d gotten her job set up. By that point, she’d already begun to get rid of old belongings she didn’t need, even getting Tegan to help her with this task. Tegan had felt used by the fact that Sara hadn’t been totally honest with her, but she did later forgive her twin. Sara had moved into Tegan’s apartment temporarily until it was time for her to leave to Montreal. And since Tegan only had one bed, Sara alternated between sleeping in the bed with Tegan and sleeping on the couch.

“Time’s up.” It hadn’t felt like five minutes, but Tegan didn’t want to argue with Sara as she left the bed and put on her previously shed pajamas that were almost under the bed from being removed underneath the covers of the bed.

Tegan didn’t want to have sex on top of the covers, lest they see each other’s bodies. To her, that was a point of no return.

A late night talking to each other as they packed up Sara’s belongings and shipped them to Montreal had led to them joking about everyone who’d made comments about them together in a sexual way, and Tegan had made some stupid joke about how they better get on each other soon; before Sara moved away. Tegan wasn’t sure who’d thought of it first under their circumstances, but they decided to kiss as a joke. They’d kissed as little kids, so neither of them thought it was a big deal. However, one thing led to another, (Tegan blamed it on late night sentimentality and beers) and suddenly they were naked in Tegan’s bed, the lights off, having sex. Outside of the bedroom, they never acknowledged it, but at least Tegan enjoyed it, though she’d never dare to admit that. It didn’t seem to change her relationship with Sara, which was probably for the best.

A couple of nights after the first time, Tegan had caught Sara staring at her as though she was envisioning what they’d done together in the darkness under the sheets. Their eyes met briefly and Tegan swallowed before going into her bedroom, her heart pounding as she took the steps shakily. After tossing a strip of condoms onto the foot of her bed, she removed her clothes and waited in the bed, her hands shaking by her sides, as she stared at the lines of light leaking through the blinds, projected onto her ceiling. She listened intently for the soft sounds of Sara’s socked feet treading the path to the bedroom. Fearing that she’d miss it, Tegan held her breath which only made her heart pound harder. When Sara finally entered the room, and got into the bed on the other side and took off her clothes, Tegan let out a breath. Each time it had happened since then, Sara always made the first move. She was the bold one.

Once Sara was dressed, Tegan was left alone in the bedroom, so she sat up, covers clutched to her chest. She didn’t want to feel exposed. Once she got a T-shirt on, Tegan felt covered enough to find some clean underwear and shorts. She averted her eyes from the mirror in the bathroom as she deposited her dirty clothes into the hamper. She took a deep breath as she headed back into the bedroom to throw away the used condoms and change the sheets. She hadn’t told Sara, but she’d done this after each time they’d had sex, as though changing them would prevent them from being found out for their little crime. Tegan’s sheets were all pretty much identical, so perhaps Sara hadn’t noticed or maybe she just didn’t mention it. Tegan wasn’t sure she even wanted to know; she just knew that she couldn’t let herself get too attached to Sara’s scent; it was easier if the pillows smelled like detergent.

She didn’t dare venture out of her bedroom because Sara was out there, and she didn’t want to face her. Instead, Tegan paced as she tried to calm herself down. She’d be alright if Sara left. They could just go on with their own lives and act like nothing abnormal had ever happened between them. Nobody would ever need to find out.

Tegan stared at her bedside table’s drawer as if inside lay a grenade or venomous snake that needed to be dealt with. In reality, there was no need to open the drawer to retrieve what was inside if she didn’t want to, but the contents of the crisp sealed white envelope made Tegan jittery with apprehension. She needed to get out of the same room as the drawer, but her dark walk-in closet wasn’t much better. She averted her eyes from the duffle bag and backpack that were tucked in the shadows of her dresser, behind several pairs of shoes where they weren’t even visible in the pitch black of the windowless room. But the two items glared at her in disapproval, whispering about her insecurities to her. The envelope judged her just as harshly.

She abruptly exited the closet and her bedroom to get to the hall closet, which held her linens. She was careful to tiptoe as Sara muttered to herself as she went through each suitcase with its own checklist. Tegan clutched the bed clothes to her chest as she hurried into the bedroom. She was almost moving frantically in order to try to get the anxious feelings out of her system as she stripped the bed and clumsily replaced the sheets in the dark.

When that was done and Sara still hadn’t come back, Tegan sat down on the edge of the bed, hugging herself, as she stared at the drawer of the bedside table despite the darkness as though she were anticipating for the contents to jump out and attack her. But she took a deep breath and reached a shaky hand out to open the drawer. The unblemished envelope seemed to glow in the dark as it pierced Tegan’s mind as it was presented to the rest of the otherwise empty room. She picked up the cool paper and held it in her lap. It seemed to weigh a million kilograms emotionally, though it shouldn’t have. Tegan didn’t need to open it to know what was inside.

It was a plane ticket for Sara’s flight in the morning. Now, this wasn’t Sara’s ticket; she’d never trust Tegan with such an integral part of her ability to depart. Sara didn’t even know about this one. Tegan wasn’t completely sure why she bought it… It wasn’t like Sara would want her in Montreal with her. Still, Tegan had packed her bags. It was important to note that it was a one-way ticket and that Tegan never bought one back to Vancouver. The action had been completed late at night after she and Sara had gotten involved. It was a stupid and impulsive move… likely a waste of money. But still, Tegan purchased it as well as packed a backpack and duffle bag. She knew that all of that was a waste, but she couldn’t seem to come up with a reason for why she’d done all of it.

She didn’t need Sara. It must have been PMS that made her buy the ticket and pack the bags. It was just… It didn’t mean anything. It meant nothing… Right?

Tegan shoved the envelope back into the drawer and shut it, even though her waste basket was only a few meters away; telling herself she’d throw the envelope away in the morning; even ripping it and its contents, as well as put away the things she’d packed in her backpack and suitcase.

Her mouth was dry, but instead of venturing outside and risking running into Sara, Tegan put on her pajamas for comfort. She felt restless. If only Sara would come back and make Tegan forget. If only Tegan wasn’t such a coward. If only, if only…

She slipped in between the sheets as she waited for Sara to come back, and breathed a sigh of relief when she was finally released from lying there, her feelings (especially confusion as to what her feelings even were and why she even felt that way) bubbling inside of her. Tegan was too uneasy to take off her pajamas, only letting Sara slip a hand inside of her flannel pajama bottoms. Veiled in darkness, Tegan was free to keep her eyes shut tight. In reality, it barely made a difference as to what she was experiencing, but it felt like an extra fence surrounding the fortress Tegan had constructed around her heart.

When morning arrived, Tegan hurried out of bed to make breakfast as to avoid lying in Sara’s arms for too long when it was light out and she was conscious. She put her headphones on and listened to her Walkman as she was cooking, which soothed her. However, she was startled to the point where she nearly dropped a plate when she saw that Sara had left the bedroom. She was fully clothed, of course… As though she’d be anything different…

Tegan’s eyes darted down to the plate she’d nearly broken as to avoid her and Sara’s eyes meeting. She finished piling a stack of waffles and pushed it away from herself and towards her sister on the counter.

“I made you breakfast. I don’t know if the coffee’s ready yet.” She said, moving her headphones down so that they hung around her neck, keeping her eyes on the waffle maker.

“Thanks, Tee.”

How could Sara be so nonchalant about all of this?! How could she act like nothing had happened? Tegan couldn’t shake these feelings that were swarming inside of her. Deep inside of her heart, she asked herself why this mattered so much now as opposed to before, but Tegan wasn’t ready to admit the answer to herself.

She finished making herself her own stack of waffles and took a deep breath before going to the table to sit down across from Sara and eating her breakfast almost as though nothing was wrong. Luckily, Sara was willing to take the reins in the conversation and explain the timetable she had planned, which Tegan was perfectly willing to follow.

Sara finished breakfast first and took a shower before getting dressed to leave for the airport, which they didn’t have to do for a half hour, so Tegan had plenty of time to linger over her breakfast and clean up the kitchen before needing to get dressed.

When she got back into the bedroom, Tegan couldn’t help but stare at the bedside table. It whispered her name, hypnotizing her into opening the drawer to pick up the envelope. Tegan swallowed and cast it to the middle of her bed. She turned her back to it as she put on some street clothes, but she could still feel the envelope glaring at her, burning holes into her soul. She picked it up when she was halfway through getting dressed because she just couldn’t take it anymore and ripped open the envelope with shaking hands. She extracted the contents and was now face to face with the ticket. She could go with Sara…

She folded the paper and slipped it into her back pocket. She resumed getting dressed and paced for a few minutes until she’d calmed down enough to exit the bedroom. Before opening the door, Tegan took a deep breath.

“So are you ready to go?” She asked, though her voice cracked. She winced right after it happened, biting her lip and grabbing at the cuffs of her hoodie sleeves.

“Yeah, can you help me with the bags?” Sara stood up straight.

“Of course. I’ll just… Let me just call a cab.” Tegan muttered. She was doing her absolute best to avoid looking Sara in the eyes. “I need to do that real quick…” She darted back into the bedroom with her landline and placed an order for a cab. When that was done, she took a deep breath before grabbing the backpack out of her closet, putting it over her shoulders.

Things went smoothly as they got Sara’s suitcases downstairs and into the trunk of the cab. And then Tegan was stuck sitting next to Sara in the backseat, the backpack sitting in between her feet. Tegan couldn’t tear her gaze away from it.

“I can’t believe I’m actually leaving,” Sara said after several minutes of awkward dead silence.

“Neither can I…” Tegan admitted.

Sara was able to coax her into a light conversation, though Tegan couldn’t completely relax, her heart pounding inside of her chest.

All too soon, the car arrived at the airport and Tegan became fully aware of what was happening and looked to Sara like a deer in headlights. Sara was leaving. Sara was leaving… Sara was leaving.

“I’m going inside with you.” Tegan blurted out.

“Ok…” Sara furrowed her eyebrows in concern.

Tegan wanted to cling to Sara’s sleeve as they went inside, but she had to help wheel in the suitcases. She studied Sara’s face as they stood in line for baggage check. Tegan tried to summon words that could possibly work for Sara’s departure, but she could not. Instead, a lump in her throat formed and Tegan found herself waging a war against her own tears to keep them from streaming down her cheeks.

Sara kept a watchful eye over Tegan but didn’t say anything until she’d gotten her bags checked.

“Hey, hey…” Sara pulled Tegan over to the side, away from people. “It’s ok. Let it out.” She produced a small package of tissues out of her bag, and Tegan let her guard down. “It’s ok, Tee.” Sara pulled Tegan into a hug.

“Please don’t leave me.” Tegan pleaded.

“Tegan.” Sara pulled away just enough for their eyes to meet. “I’m just moving to Montreal. That’s it. You’ll still be part of my life. I just… I need to get away.”

“From what?!”

Sara sighed. “I… Now isn’t the best time for this, Tegan. This isn’t the last time you’re going to see me. You should go home and lay down. I’ll be fine, and I’ll call you when I get to my apartment.”

“No!” Tegan protested, not giving a single fuck if people judged her for behaving like a child. They could mind their own damned business.

“Tegan, please don’t do this…” Sara pleaded.

“I’m going with you!” Tegan blurted out. Her hands were shaking again as she frantically pulled the boarding pass out of her back pocket. She unfolded the papers and held them in front of Sara’s face.

Sara let out another sigh, looking like she was pleading to a god she didn’t believe in. “Ok, maybe going with me to the terminal will make the separation easier, yeah?” She lowered Tegan’s hand and guided Tegan along through airport security.

Tegan felt like she’d been given a second chance, even though Sara didn’t seem too excited about what was happening, though Tegan knew that this meant she had to make sure her parting words would be worth it.

Once they were through airport security, Sara brought Tegan to a seating area for a flight that had seemed to have just left. “Is there something you want to talk about, Tegan?” Sara asked, sounding as though she was forcing herself to be extremely patient.

“What if I went with you to Montreal?” Tegan managed.

“Tegan… there’s a reason I’m leaving Vancouver. Yes, I’d love it if you were to visit, but I can’t… You are part of the reason why I’m moving.” Sara explained, clearly growing more frustrated by the second.

“Why do you want to leave me?” Tegan’s jaw trembled and her eyes stung with tears again. God, she was such a crybaby. Why did she have to be like this? Why couldn’t her feelings be simple?

“Because I can’t just… I can’t torture myself by being around the person I’m in love as much as I have been.” Sara quietly admitted with defeat. “I’ve been in love with you since we were teenagers, and I can’t shake it. I just… I need to be away from you and get over it. Besides… It’ll be good for me to be my own person where nobody knows me. I can start fresh.”

Tegan’s lips twitched without her permission, as though her heart wanted them to form words that she hadn’t even admitted to herself. She didn’t want Sara to go, but she was terrified of facing the feelings in her heart, which she knew she’d have to if her sister stayed. So she swallowed, and her gaze dropped from Sara’s hazel eyes to Tegan’s dirty black converse sneakers.

“But no matter what,” Sara continued, her voice breaking, “You’ll always be my sister. And I will always love you as my sister too. Me leaving is just the best thing for us, don’t you think?”

Tegan could only choke out a small sob, and let tears create wet paths down her cheeks. Her mind whispered to her that Sara was right, but her heart felt like it was being crushed.

Sara took her hand by the wrist, opened it, and placed a package of tissues in there, closing Tegan’s fingers over it. “Take care of yourself, Tee.” And with that, Sara moved past Tegan and went to take a seat near the gate for the flight to Montreal.

Tegan grabbed her ticket with her free hand and glanced down at it. She could go with Sara. She could go to Montreal too.

She left her ticket crumpled up in a garbage can in the airport and cried herself to sleep an hour after she got home, even though it was the morning.

Each morning, she’d awaken with crusty eyelashes and hopes that Sara might be in bed with her due to the faint memories of her twin’s face and voice in her dreams. She’d have to lay in bed for a few moments before she could summon up the will to exit the covers. She already felt like shit, why feel like shit out of bed?

Tegan went to work like she was supposed to. She turned down every offer to hang out with her friends. She slogged through every single call from her parents, assuring them that she was fine without Sara there in Vancouver with her, rejecting any offers from her mother to come down and stay with her. It wouldn’t be a good idea for her mother to be in the apartment with her as she woke up from a dream, covered in sweat, calling out her twin sister’s name. Sure, she could try to pass it off as simply missing Sara, but that was a risk Tegan couldn’t take.

One thing that made everything worse was the fact that Sara had been able to state that she was in love with Tegan with such ease, such calmness. How was that possible? Who could be so comfortable with the fact that they were in love with their own sister?! It wasn’t ok.

Sara. That’s who. She was unlike anyone else in the world. She was the better version of Tegan, there was no denying it. She was amazing… Intelligent, strong, attractive, and so much more, but Tegan wasn’t sure how she could ever put Sara into words, even mentally. Feelings couldn’t always be named or described. But her love still threw itself against sharp rocks in the turmoil of her confusion and pain. She knew what her feelings were named, but she couldn’t admit it to herself yet. She couldn’t take the leap of faith into the sea that was l… lo…

“Love,” Tegan whispered hoarsely, and instantly, the waves calmed. “I’m… I’m in l-love with Sara. I’m in love with Sara.” She sat up in bed, and the angry storming clouds disappeared. She took a deep breath.

From that moment forward, she practiced saying those five words over and over again in her mind when surrounded by people and aloud when she was alone. She fantasized about being with Sara again.

What was left for her here in Vancouver, especially compared to who was in Montreal?

With that thought in mind, Tegan pressed her lips into a line. It had been two months since Sara left. In one more, Tegan’s lease would run out, and then she’d go to Montreal. She took a deep breath as she promised herself that this is what she was going to do. In two months, she hadn’t been able to get her mind off of Sara for a single moment. She had to try.

Tegan began brushing up on her French, bought another plane ticket, and began disposing of things she didn’t need. She didn’t know Sara’s address, which she had supposed was on purpose; as to allow Sara to disappear into Montreal without any family coming to see her, but without knowing it, their mother gave Tegan the best excuse to get the address. If anyone was going to get the address, it was going to be Tegan.

“Why are you calling me?” Sara asked when she picked up her cell phone. “Tegan?”

“You told me to call you if you forgot anything… Well… Mum found our old blankies.” Tegan explained, trying to keep her voice from quivering. “Did you want yours?”

Sara paused. “Yeah… I do.” She admitted after a moment, caving in.

“I need to mail it to you.” Tegan reminded her. “What’s your address?”

Sara sighed before giving it to her and then asking when it would arrive. Tegan was being truthful when she’d said that their mother found their childhood blankies, so Sara would only be getting one extra thing. Of course, Tegan had to mail the baby blanket as to keep Sara from becoming suspicious.

When the day Tegan was going to Montreal arrived, she took her plane ticket off of the door of the refrigerator and left her keys on the counter. She strode into the airport, determination in every step, her heart full of love as she followed the red thread. She smiled as she passed the garbage can that had once held a crumpled up plane ticket to Montreal. She held her head up high as she passed the area where Sara had informed Tegan of her love for her. And then she boarded the plane in a leap of faith.

She was restless during the flight, anticipation in her gut. She couldn’t read or listen to music or anything, so she simply fantasized about finally being with Sara. She must have fallen asleep at one point because she was awakened with a jolt as the plane landed.

Tegan chased her heart when she exited the plane, retrieved her baggage, and found a cab. She practiced what she would say to Sara as the cab driver took her to Sara’s apartment building. Luckily someone who was apparently a neighbor of Sara’s let her in, holding open the door for her. She knew that it was a neighbor because she was called by Sara’s name. Tegan merely thanked him but did not speak to him further. Luckily, he didn’t ask about her suitcases. She watched him go into his apartment as she went up to Sara’s door.

She took a deep breath before knocking on the door. After a couple of minutes, the door was opened by Sara in sweatpants and a bathrobe. Her jaw dropped as she saw Tegan standing there in front of her.

“You forgot something else in Vancouver, too,” Tegan informed her softly, smiling sheepishly.

“Tegan, what are you doing here?” Sara furrowed her eyebrows, looking like she was about to get angry. “I—”

“I’m in love with you, too,” Tegan admitted.

Sara’s jaw dropped open, and then suddenly Tegan was pulled against Sara in a hug.

“You’re home,” Sara whispered. “I never should have doubted you.”

And behind the closed door, they kissed for the first time and only made it to the couch before they began shedding their clothing. A book was placed face down on the coffee table, and the lights were on as to provide good reading light. But tonight they would use it to take each other in as much as possible.

“ _Je suis amoureux de toi.”_ Tegan whispered against Sara’s lips after they were both too tired to go on. They lay face to face, arms around each other.

“I know.” Sara replied, smiling blissfully.


End file.
